My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize