He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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