things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
