Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize