I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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