just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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