no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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