ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just gargled with NyQuil
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
