The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
