grandma shit on top of the toilet
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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