wat bout pragnant strippers??
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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