I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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