i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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