I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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