Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
