gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
