just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
