Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
