I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
