Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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