I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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