My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
