I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
