I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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