you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
