i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
