I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
