Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We left an ass print on the piano.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
