Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
