I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
