Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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