He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
