I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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