This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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