He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
