Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
