Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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