He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
