someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
