Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
