I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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