One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
