I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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