i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
