I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
