He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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