turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
