Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
