I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
