so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
