I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The Olympian is in my bed
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
