His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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