I want to walk on stilts...naked
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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