i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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