he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
