I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
