wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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