I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
