I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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