So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
