On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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