i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize