she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
